| When Family & Friends Don't Understand |
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Since many of the symptoms associated with attachment problems look like normal childhood behaviors, it can be very difficult if not impossible to explain to friends and family. Some, in an attempt to be helpful, try to dismiss the problems. You hear, “Oh, my son has temper tantrums all the time,” all the while thinking to yourself, “Not like these, lady!” Others try to generalize, “He looks perfectly normal to me,” while you roll your eyes, knowing that he is at his worst only when he is home. Alone. With you.
And then, there are the friends and family who, in the spirit of helpfulness, begin to question your methods, or even worse, your sanity. A low point in our attachment road came about nine months after we first identified the problem. After months of progress, we plateaued, which felt at the time like a major upset. For support, I turned to a close friend. From the beginning, she supported our journey through regular contact, prayers, and listening sessions. I divulged more to her than most, feeling that she truly accepted what I’d been teaching her about the attachment process. After sharing the latest struggles, I was shocked to receive a note from her asking if my child could sense my love for him as he was, rather than as a project that needed to be fixed. I was devastated. Yet, at the same time, I knew that I couldn’t expect her to understand. She’d never parented a child who’d undergone separation and loss, let alone a child who experienced four different mommies in less than six months. But it hurt, and I still desperately hoped that she could understand. I wrote her a reply: If I had a child with leukemia, would that child be able to sense my love for him as he is, not that he is a project that needs to be fixed or completed? If I had a child with leukemia, a nosebleed or a bruise would take on different meaning and attention than it would with a child who is believed to be physically healthy. In the same way, when my son exhibits behaviors consistent with attachment issues, I tend to respond to them in the light of that knowledge. To accept him as he is means to accept him fully including his attachment needs. To ignore that would not be loving him any more than ignoring the needs of a physically ill child. It would be denial. She never replied. Our friendship continues, although the attachment process is no longer on the discussion docket. Instead, I have found friends “in the trenches” who understand what it means to walk this journey. Some of the greatest pain comes from those who insist that, as the song goes, “all they need is love.” Anyone who has parented an attachment impaired child knows that it is not that simple. The following letter is from an adoptive mother to another adoptive parent who said that all one must do is love children with attachment problems and they’ll be fine: If one follows your thought through to conclusion then anyone who has an adopted child who experiences attachment issues does not love their child enough, does not nurture their child enough, and does not give their child enough attention. Is this what you meant? Can you really know something that all of us who are dealing with this do not know? Do you realize that part of the agony of attachment disorder is the ignorance of the people around us? Do you know the nights we mothers have spent weeping over our children? Do you know the hours I, personally, have spent praying for my precious baby? Begging God to help her accept our love? Do you know that I gave up my life this entire last year because I quickly discovered that she could not handle anything other than having mom 24/7? Do you know how long it has been since I have slept for more than 3 hours in a row because my beloved daughter has nightmares and night terrors that keep her (and me) up? Do you know the flack I have taken from virtually every member of my extended family who says, "Just love her. Babies are resilient?” Do you have any understanding of how isolating this is? How lonely this is? Do you really believe that I have made up this "nonsense?" Do you have any idea what it is like to have a baby who never looks you in the eyes? Who refuses to be held close to you? Who screams and arches her back when you try to change her diaper, hold her, rock her, sing to her, dress her, bathe her? Do you know how unbelievably difficult it is to continue to love a baby who hates you? The mothers I know who have avoidant children are heroes in my book. They love children, who, for a while, are unlovable. We comfort them at night, even though we are tired beyond description. We persevere in our love for our children because we would do anything for them. |
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