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Myth: Infants, especially those adopted out of foster care, do not have attachment problems.
Every adopted child, regardless of the age at adoption, has suffered trauma: that of being separated from the birth mother. Many times, that single trauma is enough to produce attachment problems. Attachment therapists treat children whose adoptive parents were present at the birth. FAQ: When newborns are placed with a foster family at birth, how can they miss their birth mother? A baby's first attachment is to the biological mother. Research indicates that attachment develops throughout pregnancy. At birth, the child knows his mother's voice and her smell. His emotions, heartbeat, and respiration are regulated by hers. He believes that he and his mother are one. If this attachment or bond is broken, trust becomes an issue and the child may have difficulty forming a secure and healthy attachment to the foster/adoptive mother. Myth: Babies don't remember. Early memories are remembered by the body. Although a child may not consciously remember early trauma (including separation from the birth mother), the experience is difficult to erase because it is stored as a nonverbal/emotional memory in the body. Neurons in the heart, stomach, and other parts of the body can fire messages, effectively hijacking the thinking parts of the brain…especially if these memories took place before the child developed cognition skills. We have also experienced many moments that indicate that our children remember more than we give them credit for: At the age of 13 months, my son was miserable and had been for several days. Then we looked at pictures of his foster family. The whining stopped. And he just looked intently through the album. He'd turn the pages quickly when there weren't photos of his foster family or of us, his adoptive parents. He'd carefully study photos with any of his parents. He looked studious, and sentimental, but not heartbroken. Then, on one page, he leaned in and kissed his foster mom's photo. After the pictures, he was sad and a bit whiney, but could be comforted by me easily. (a. 6mo, FC)Myth: All They Need is Love! Although love is inarguably what attachment disordered children need, the challenge is getting them to accept 100% of their parents' love. They are like tiny banks, desperately in need of deposits, that have put up signs saying, "Closed for business." Adoptive parents with attachment impaired children find it helpful to consider where their children are in the attachment process by asking, "Is my child willing to accept ALL my love?" When the answer is no, the task then becomes figuring out how to get the love in when the child shows resistance. |
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